Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.