too bad you live with your parents still
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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