Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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