Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I have already put on my inside pants.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
