This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
