someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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