I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I canโt believe I made out with a flat earther and didnโt know about it until now!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize
