Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Duck Duck Cougar?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
