a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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