I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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