No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
