I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
