i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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