I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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