I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
