If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
