I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
