I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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