i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
