Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
