Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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