I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it glows. i had to have it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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