my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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