More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you had me at cake vodka
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
