I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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