Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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