how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
