Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
