I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
