Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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