I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
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There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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