Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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