Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
