Acid is not a monday night drug
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
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I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
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You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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