That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
