im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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