Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we're making bets on your personal life
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
