he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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