I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
