My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
