HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
