We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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