When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
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You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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