Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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