i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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