Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
