My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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