onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
