He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
