I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
