My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
