Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
