Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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