Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
