Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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