I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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