Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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