I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
