I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
